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How to handle grief over the holidays
- Adrienne Loker
- 4 hours ago
- 2 min read
By Adrienne Loker, LCSW, EMDR, SE
Last October, my dad died from a rare neurodegenerative disease. The holidays were coupled with funeral planning, waiting on autopsy reports (his diagnosis couldn’t be confirmed without one), and cleaning through belongings that were supposed to have been permanent fixtures.
I kept thinking that I was on the part of the rollercoaster that moves to the summit in slow motion, and that eventually I was going to fall into a deep depression. But among all the heartbreak, I was never alone. My sister, mom, aunt, and I came together with openness, honesty, and our hearts on our sleeves. This turned into a period of my life where I got what I always wanted: permission to have complex feelings without anyone trying to convince me that either I am not feeling what I’m feeling or that I shouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling.
Such an oxymoron - to experience some of the deepest pain alongside the most corrective experience.Â
This year is a bit different. The pain isn’t as sharp, it doesn’t take my breath away, but there are moments that are heavier. And with the time that’s elapsed, I’m not packaged in the bubble wrap of community quite the same way as I was last year.
In addition to reaching out to my supports when I need them, I also find myself role reversing with my dad a lot, a technique that we teach in our psychodrama therapy sessions. I talk out loud to him about business, family, and my experiences in nature. And then I place myself in his shoes and respond to myself. I’ve gotten some great advice and encouragement from him this year.
These introjects, the internalized representations of people, live in neural networks in all of our brains. These neural networks hold the answers that we need to hear. As we move into holidays that are full of reminders of the things we’ve lost, the things we never got that we needed, or the things we never needed but we got, priming the pathway to resourceful introjects can help.
Who is a member of your support system, real or imagined, alive or deceased, who could offer you the support you’re needing now? If they were here right now, where would they place themselves in your room? What would you say to them if they were sitting in front of you? And if you pretended to be them, what would they say back?
It can take a few tries to weed through superficial dialogue to get to meatier answers. Sometimes a third party is needed to help teach this skill. If we can support you in any way this season, please reach out.
Adrienne Loker, LCSW is an EMDRIA Certified Therapist, EMDR Consultant, and Somatic Experiencing Therapist. She owns and operates a trauma-sensitive therapy practice, Seeking Depth to Recovery, that specializes in the treatment of complex and non-verbal trauma, using experiential modalities in an intensive format. In as little as one 90-minute intensive therapy session, participants report marked insight into their anxiety, panic, depression, and trauma compared to their previous experience with traditional talk therapy.